Assertiveness is a social skill that enables us to express our own needs, wishes and fundamental rights, that is, to stand up for ourselves without violating the rights of others. It is highly useful for reducing stress, establishing good relationships with other people and resolving conflicts.
There are four basic communication styles: aggressive, passive (non-assertive), passive-aggressive and assertive, and each of us may recognise ourselves in one of them.
The aggressive style involves a person fighting for their own interests, rights and wishes, but in a way that disregards the other person and does not respect their rights. Although this communication style may lead to achieving one’s goals, it is not worthwhile in the long term because it poses a threat to relationships. Other people feel hurt and humiliated by such behaviour, which damages their positive opinion of the person, if they had one in the first place. It often results in the loss of important and close people in one’s life.
The passive (non-assertive) style is characteristic of people who meet the needs of others while neglecting or placing their own needs in the background. They rarely or never express their own needs, wishes and opinions, and when they do try to stand up for themselves, they easily give up and withdraw at the first obstacle. Because they never express their wishes and feelings, other people are rarely aware of them. Consequently, they often feel misunderstood and believe that others do not like them, do not care about them and similar things. Had they expressed their wishes, other people would probably have been willing to respect them or might even have been happy to do so. Non-assertive people also find it difficult to say “No” to someone or refuse a request. As a result, they often feel exploited and overwhelmed by obligations and tasks. This style may lead them to leave all decisions and control to others, which has an adverse effect on self-esteem and increases the risk of feeling helpless.
The passive-aggressive style is characteristic of people who also do not express their feelings and wishes but express anger and aggression passively, for example through sarcasm or irony. Such people often feel unhappy, unloved and misunderstood and blame other people for this. They use accusations and manipulation, and when other people reject them or respond negatively to such behaviour, they use this as evidence that they were right. This style is extremely harmful to healthy relationships because other people often feel frustrated in such relationships and quickly find them exhausting, which leads them to withdraw from the relationship.
Assertive people express their wishes and expectations openly and honestly. Assertive behaviour involves accepting responsibility for one’s behaviour, thoughts, opinions and feelings without making demands that other people must satisfy. This type of communication is direct: the person addresses the source of the problem directly and ensures that their message is heard without distortion. Assertive people are generally more satisfied with their lives because they are not burdened by unresolved conflicts and unfulfilled wishes. They do not expect everything always to go their way, but they are prepared to stand up for what is important to them.
Although it may seem that some people are naturally assertive, this is not true. We do have certain traits that make it easier or more difficult to cope with different experiences, but many things can be learned and practised. Assertiveness is primarily a skill that is learned and practised throughout life.
The best way to express oneself assertively is through I-messages.
I-messages describe the other person’s behaviour, the feelings that behaviour caused in us, the consequences we experienced because of that behaviour and what we expect or want from the person in the future. This opens the way towards constructive communication and problem-solving.
Unlike I-messages, You-messages focus on the other person’s characteristics and often cause them to feel the need to defend themselves. They judge the person with whom we are communicating, highlight the other person’s mistake and lead to resistance or defensive communication. Such communication often results in even more mutual accusations and misunderstanding.
The formula for an effective assertive I-message is therefore as follows:
I feel ______________ (emotional response)
when _________________ (something happens, when someone does something…)
because _______________ (reason)
Sometimes it is useful to add a fourth part:
And I need/would like _______________ (corrective action).
Remember that assertiveness is a skill, which means that we strengthen it through practice, that is, by using it regularly. Good luck!